“I know you’re in pain but it’s ok because I get paid lots of money.”
When you pay a visit to the hospital you assume that you’re in safe hands. Likewise, when you undergo surgery of any form it would be kind of comforting to know that your surgeon has at least a basic grasp of mathematics. You know, so he doesn’t ‘forget’ how many junior hacksaws he had on the operating table before surgery started. Repeat after me, “If I have two scalpels and I take away one scalpel, what do I have?” A real problem especially if you’ve just had any kind of internal surgical procedure.
Nightmare? Indeed, especially if you’ve already had some of these items left in your body… Continue reading
“Help! I can’t swim.”
Everyone over the age of 4 years old knows dinosaurs were truly awesome creatures and, if they weren’t extinct, they’d make the perfect transport for the dapper kid about town. But, given mankind’s fear of being violently chewed to death, it’s a pretty good thing the great, meat eating dinosaurs are dead. Walking to the local supermarket is hazardous enough – dodging cyclists and speeding cars – without having to worry about the threat of being stomped by a creature with a brain smaller than your big toe.
For millions of years, most dinosaurs were actually pretty boring. Most remained fairly small much to the disappointment of parents and children alike looking for a retro twist on the fair ground ride. But just as the Jurassic period kicked off, a minor disturbance in the force rippled across the planet… a sound like a million voices cried out… then suddenly went silent. Any dinosaurs to big or stupid to run and hide got fried.
But some of them managed to live on, not in huge numbers but at least they’ve been more successful than a Mike Tyson comeback fight.
Here, in all their glory are 3 dinosaurs that managed to cross the boundary between fossilised curiosity and modern day enigma… Continue reading
Making evil plans for world domination? Everyone’s gotta start somewhere…
Every fortress has its vulnerabilities. No matter how high the walls or deep the foundations there is always a way in. Just like an operating system.
Google has been freely distributing the Android OS in order to
help the company harvest your personal information which it then sells for a profit make the world a better place. At the other end of the nerd spectrum, Microsoft has been charging customers through the nose to experience the joys of the blue screen of death. But, regardless of how much you do, or don’t pay, they’re both designed to encourage developers to build applications for them. Even the kind of app that can be used to kill you in any number of unusual ways – like these… Continue reading
“See this? It’s made from the skin of 20 poor people.”
Hands up if you know anyone that earns £100 a week or less? Friends, who for no fault of their own are trapped in crappy jobs with few prospects. In fact, how many couples do you know that earn £268 a week or less? This is what poverty officially looks like.
Politicians seem to spend most of their lives suckling happily at the overflowing teat of misery! Every time the subject of how to give hope to the poor is raised we’re subjected to a barrage of mind boggling facts and figures that current crazies in no.10 have the best ideas. Think of it as shit storm full of vacuous statements and promises – every time a member of the political elite tries to talk about extreme poverty they seem to regurgitate a fur ball of crap. I can only assume this comes from too much time spent kissing a colleagues bum! But, cynical comments aside, have you ever wondered why poverty is a subject that gets MP’s horny? Here goes… Continue reading
“Sorry kids, it’s time to smash all those false happy endings on the rocks of despair.”
Ever wondered where storylines for children’s films come from? If you’re an old romantic like me then you probably assumed that each and every movie is the result of a passion to thrill and entertain. Wrong.
Over the years, there have been plenty of movies made that owe their very existence to some truly scary events. Movies like these… Continue reading
“Oh, sorry! I thought you meant…”
How do you know if you’re suffering from a mid-life crisis? Feel the need to buy a sports car and play, ‘Mildly Disorientated’ Rascal (or whatever his name is) at full volume? Guys, have you decided to chat up your daughters 19 year old friend? Yeah, you’re getting a feel for it. But what happens when the hormones finally detonate in an implosion of impotence? Peace and tranquility up until the point you exit the land of the living on the back of some really thought provoking comment?
No! The chances are that Mother Nature has one last trick up her sleeve. One designed to scare the crap out of you. One designed to set you on the path to emotional turmoil during your last days. Welcome to the later life crisis. Continue reading
“Call me cute once more and I’ll kick your arse into next week.”
The animal kingdom is full of cute, furry little creatures that make us to go all weak at the knees. How many times have you chuckled at the antics of seemingly intelligent dogs on websites like Youtube? But secretly, all animals are evil. Their sole intent is to turn the tables on humanity and reap a bloody harvest of revenge and crushed testicles.
If you’re a non-believer then it’s time to open the book of animal revelations. Feast your eyes on once adorable creatures that have been unmasked as disciples of pain and revenge… Continue reading
Fracking – the art of extracting trapped gas.
Hydraulic fracturing is not some kind of gruesome torture inflicted on hapless victims by loan sharks with a water filled, plastic hammer. Neither does fracking appear high on an environmental lobbyist’s list of ‘cool things to do today’. Instead, it’s a fairly new method of extracting gas by using water to shatter subterranean rock in which the fuel is trapped.
But this new industry has a problem – in the eyes of eco warriors and environmentalists, it’s the new anti-Christ. Did I say ‘anti-Christ’? I meant, ‘modern technology that must be reviled and destroyed at whatever cost just in case it proves to be useful and makes me and my other tree hugging pals look really stupid’. That’s why the energy giants need a makeover. And who better to give the hydraulic fracturing industry a fairytale slant than Disney and their loveable creations such as… Continue reading
About this much worse!
There’s an old wive’s tale that goes like this: The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. Wrong! The way to a man’s heart is through his chest – with an ice pick. But we’re not going to dwell on minor family disputes.
Apparently, the world is in the grip of a global obesity epidemic. Scientists are regularly finding new reasons why we pile on the pounds. The one constant that most studies produce is that, thanks to evolution’s perverse sense of humour, we are hard wired to gorge ourselves into an ever expanding need for loose fit clothes. This means the health food industry is having a field day. But there are a few little secrets they haven’t been telling us… Continue reading
Surely this can’t be the best natural selection has to offer?
Contrary to popular belief, bloated bankers on the receiving end of massive bonuses don’t park their Ferraris in anus-shaped garages. Most of them drive Bentleys. Now that we’ve corrected that common misunderstanding you’re probably thinking, ‘What the hell has money got to do with any part of the body?’
It’s all about evolution. Correction: it’s all about the natural selection part of evolution. Without an anus most, if not all, life on Earth would have been ripped apart in an explosion of shit millennia ago. Regardless of what appendages you think bankers have hanging from their foreheads you can rest assured that the money markets can only look forward to choking on their own foul effluence. Unless they take some tips from natural selection, because… Continue reading