Life as a king or queen is a pretty tough job. There’s the constant threat of scrapes and grazes as you fall off your prized Argentinian horse during a game of polo. Even worse, there’s the very real danger of your Range Rover breaking down in some windswept corner of the Scottish Highlands after a hard day of blasting dangerous stags into oblivion.
But the reality is that the royal families of the 21st century have it pretty well made. As little as 100 years ago, monarchs across the European continent were being given the chop – quite literally. But rather than being buried in a flurry of pomp and ceremony some rulers ended up in some far from regal resting places.
Edward V – The Princes In The Tower
It’s 1483, your father’s dead. For most of us this one event would be no cause for celebration. But for Edward V it was time to party like it’s 1499! His recently deceased daddy was none other than King Edward IV of England – a pretty badass guy who had spent most of life kicking French arse… just for fun. The known world and a bevy of wholesome wenches now lay at his feet. All he had to do was ride roughshod of the rights of the common man and impregnate as many unwilling subjects as humanly possible.
But, as we’ve seen so many times, history has a habit of repeating itself… over and over again… like groundhog day on crack. The medieval era was a hotbed of sex, murder and intrigue. If you weren’t being forced into marrying your inbred cousin from across the water you faced being slaughtered in the great game of power (a bit like ‘Kerplunk’ but with way bigger pointy sticks and far more blood). Edward V and his brother, Richard of Shrewsbury, Duke of York, paid a heavy price to learn the tricks of this game – death.
Edward was due to be crowned in May 1483 but, before he could take the throne, he and his brother disappeared. Forever.
Where Were The Prince’s Bodies Buried
During excavation work on a part of the Tower of London in 1674 unearthed the skeletons of two young boys. In the ensuing years, more children’s bones have been unearthed. Popular opinion says that both the young princes were murdered and buried under a staircase under the White Tower. Need a culprit? Look no further than…
King Richard III – The Hunchbacked Monarch
Over the years, we pretty much got used to small, cynical leaders who believed in divine right and absolute power. Want to start a war with some little known republic that doesn’t want to part with an almost limitless supply of diamonds and gold? No problem. Simply levy another round of taxes on the workers of your lands then set sail to show that upstart republic who really is the boss. Fortunately, the 2010 elections put an end to all that gung-ho ‘I can piss higher than you’ crap… for at least four years. But you’re not interested in the state of British politics right now. You want to know about another bad boy from the history books – King Richard III.
Now, even though Richard may have had a hand in the disappearance and alleged murder of Edward V it has to be said that he was actually a pretty popular guy. One of his main achievements before finding himself ‘unexpectedly’ becoming King of England and partaker of wenches was to set up the Council of the North. This body was charged with creating prosperity and improving government control and, regardless what you think of the levers of political power, it was highly effective. But Richard’s reign was shorter lived than a drunken fumble after a heavy nights drinking…
Two years after coming to power Richard was killed at the Battle of Bosworth Field. Records suggest that Richard’s superior force was defeated by Henry Tudor after some of the King’s men sided with Henry at a critical point i.e. “Hey guys, we’ve almost won… oh shit!”
Where Was Richard III’s Body Buried?
Originally, only the Tudors were privy to Richard’s burial place. In fact, it has been recorded that Henry VII (Tudor) had the upmost respective for Richard III (well, as much respect as one could have for someone that supposedly murdered his relatives) – he even paid for £50 for a marble and alabaster monument for the grave which, in those days, was enough money to buy your serf-like arse and then some. Eventually, the exact location of Richard’s body was lost. Until 2012 when it was found buried beneath a car park in Leicester. Seen Elvis stacking shelves in Asda? Who cares – our ticket warden is a bona fide monarch!
Tsar Nicholas II – The Last Russian Royal
Thousands killed during stampedes at your coronation, assassinating political opponents, executing demonstrators who have gone on strike… all the kind of goings on that give Robert Mugabe wet dreams. Granted, you might expect these ‘demonstrations of divine right’ back in the 1400’s but not at the start of the 20th century. In a supposedly modernising country (unless you count the use of machine guns on the general populace as an advance in the use of technology). The place was Russia. The man was Tsar Nicholas II who, for all his apparent cruelty, stupidity and arrogance was actually beatified by the Russian Orthodox church. Who said the church hasn’t come a long way since the Reformation?
“But, surely believing that you have a divine right to slaughter a few peasants isn’t enough to cause the overthrow of a monarch?” I hear you say. ordinarily, it’s not but Nicholas II’s reign was a shitstorm of royal cock ups and arrogant assumptions. Losing out in the Russo-Japanese War of 1904 – 1905 could be considered bad news for the Tsar’s reign. Even worse, the national pride was thrown down an elevator shaft when nearly all of the Russian navy was destroyed at the Battle of Tsushima – only marginally less humiliating than finding out your wife has been having some fun with the family priest, Rasputin, and his enormous manhood!
Russia’s poorly planned entry into the World War I was the icing on a cake filled with the rotting remains of a crumbling, once mighty empire. Cue some serious murdering of the Tsar and his entire family by ever so slightly angry Red Army forces.
Where Was Tsar Nicholas’s Body Buried?
Having a firm belief in you right to rule means nothing when even the most loyal our military units, the Preobrazhensky Regiment, decides it’s time for a little looting and pillaging… of Russian towns. At this point, Nicholas did what any patriotic monarch would do when faced with the inevitable – crapped his pants and ran away, crying like a little girl aka he abdicated. But not even King George V of Great Britain, a relative, was prepared to offer him safe haven. The Tsar and his family were murdered by Russian soldiers on behalf of the Ural Soviet of Workers’ Deputies . Their bodies were eventually buried under a dirt road near Yekaterinburg.