Red pill or blue pill – Take the red pill and you’ll see the truth. Take the blue pill and you’ll be digitally remastered into a lobster.
Every so often, the egg heads in the scientific community attempts to gently massage a new idea into our puny brains. In most cases, they are two responses to their revelations: stunned silence or childish giggling.
So, what’s the latest theory from the men and women who spend their lives in lab coats? We’re all living in a simulation. Yeah, that’s right – the story of Neo and his plucky band of leather jumpsuit wearing follower’s was a warning and not just a way to drum up male interest in Monica Belucci’s assets.
With those heart warming thoughts in mind, let’s take a look at some of the give aways that disprove the theory that the crack in your living room wall is really a scientific glory hole being used by some kind of giant, freaky egg head peering into your world…
Silvio Berlusconi Belongs On Another Planet
Silvio Berlusconi, 70 years old and still shagging like a teenager on Viagra. The former Italian Prime Minister is at the opposite end of the spectrum to Cliff Richard. Whereas the English crooner has been abstaining for most of his life Berlusconi has been boning pretty much most of the female population of his fair country.
But Silvio is far from an anomaly – he’s living proof that money can get not only get you into an 18 year strippers knickers but it can also save you from serious gaol time. In xxxx, the former Premier
used legal powers to prevent him being indicted with sexual intercourse with a minor.
More importantly, the ageing Italian lothario seems to have some kind of reality field surrounding him. Why else would he still prove such a popular option at the ballot box? He’s been arrested for sexual misconduct, his wife left him (taking a large chunk of his fortune) because of his roving hands and the electorate have ejected him from office – twice. But he lingers like a bad toilet smell that even your Haze deodoriser can’t conceal.
If you thought that it couldn’t get more real than Berlusconi then you haven’t heard of this man…
Mao Tse Tung
Mao Tse Tung (or Zhedong depending on your degree of Communist fervour) was a former leader of China. During his time in power he saw the population of this economic powerhouse rise from 550 million to 900 million people. Like many leaders of great nations, Mao was faced with a dilemma: to govern with a fair hand and encourage growth or to slaughter entire families for minor ‘crimes’
Mao took option number 2. Stalin has been criticised for the zeal with which pretty much any person is the Communist Bloc was dispatched. Say ‘boo’ to the ghost of a party member and your entire family, all their friends and the cockroaches that inhabited your state approved abode would simply disappear.
But Mao was determined to really put the pedal to metal in the extermination stakes. Stalin only managed to wipe out a paltry 30 million people – Mao’s finally tally is estimated to be in the region of 70 million. Bolstered by Tse-Tung’s Little Red Book (Communist doctrine, not a list of telephone number’s of eligible, AK-47 toting young ladies), his followers went on what can only be termed a rampage.
When Mao wasn’t sending millions of innocent Chinese to their deaths he was busy reaffirming his solidarity with his Communist brothers and sisters. Ironically, whilst most of the population of China was slowly starving to death, Chairman Mao died incredibly well fed.
Lemmy, lead singer of heavy metal band Motorhead is one of those rarities that prove the world is far from a simulation. Think about it: to create an abomination like this you’d have to be so high that you’d be legally dead. Like many rock icons that have come before him, Lemmy has survived on a diet of alcohol, read meat and drugs. Given his loathing of anything remotely healthy i.e. food that health experts say is vital for our survival, it’s a miracle he’s still alive.
Lemmy has marked himself out an a freak of nature at an age where most of us find it hard not to piss ourselves whilst we walk to the newsagent. Allegedly, Lemmy’s maintenance programme consists of at least one bottle of whiskey a day, lots of red meat and some cheese. He’s also been smoking since the tender age of 11 (he started about 3 years after knocking back his first bottle of whiskey). Add to this a drug habit that Afghans poppy growers find hard to keep up with and you start to get a measure of the man.
Now, in the realms of, ‘real people who have defied all the laws of nature and should be dead’ Lemmy is only surpassed by keith Richards and Mick Jagger. Between them, these three ageing rockers have blitzed themselves into a drunken, drug-induced haze to the tune of millions (that’s not including all those freebies they gave out to friends and ‘naked ladies who magically appeared in my room after the last gig’).
Normally, Lemmy’s escapades would be definitive proof of some kind of higher intervention or manipulation of our reality but I’ve got this one covered. This grizzled rocker has been known to beat the effects of dehydration by adding extra ice cubes to his drinks when performing.