3 Lethal Viruses Being Resurrected Insane Dicks

deadly virus

The only Christmas decoration that can make you crap yourself inside out.

We don’t like being ill. In fact, we don’t like being so ill that we die. But totalitarian governments, mad scientists and crazed terrorists the world over don’t care what you do or don’t like. Their holy grail is a new weapon that can cure the world’s addiction with nuclear weapons.

The answer? Genetically engineered viruses that can kill at the press of a button. Nuclear weapons are destined to become the poor man’s, err, nuclear weapon. All hail the new threat of mass destruction that’s waiting in a test tube…

Ebola – The Hemorrhagic Disease

Ebola is nastier than your drunken uncle who insists on getting pissed and vomiting over the main course at every Christmas meal he’s invited to. The difference is that Ebola doesn’t need an invite. It simply finds a way into your body (usually through some kind of fluid transfer) and then proceeds make your innards look like some kind of human soup.

But that’s not all. As well as making you the main ingredient in a soup kitchen for homeless people, Ebola also causes your blood to become so thin that it runs out of your eyes and ears.

horned lizard bleeding eyes

“Personally, I don’t see the problem.”

Who Would Be Stupid Enough To Experiment With Ebola?

Mad scientists are always a good starting point. The problem is that most researchers who are even remotely insane are either locked up or working for an NHS research lab near Sheffield.

nhs researcher

“Hello, my name is Sandra and I want to kill you all.”

But there are other people who might actually see some benefit in holding the keys to the ability to melt mankind. People like the leaders of the America. And Russia. Seriously? “Two of the most powerful countries in the world are actively trying to find ways of destroying all but a very select group of human beings?”

Yes, it would appear that, over the years, the Russians have been experimenting with Ebola. One of their scientists even managed to kill himself after accidentally sticking a syringe full of the disease into his arm. I guess being sharper than the supreme intelligence doesn’t mean shit if you don’t have any common sense. Besides, all those insane scientists are only really interested in finding out how the virus can be destroyed. If a way of weaponising is created along the way, hey, they promise not to use it for anything mischievous.

Spanish Flu – The Humanity Killer

The Spanish flu is one of those diseases that has been labeled ‘forgotten’. Personally, I’m not sure how the scientific community could ever forget a virus so lethal that is killed up to 100 million people through pneumonia-like effects. In terms of lethality, Spanish flu is the microbial equivalent of injecting a mixture of concrete and arsenic directly into you veins.

pompeii body

You will look something like this.

If you’re lucky enough to make it past the rather unpleasant side effects of the flu i.e. you’re still alive, then be prepared for round two. There were actually two outbreaks in 1918. Followed up by a mass outbreak of sleeping sickness (the cause of which has been attributed to the Spanish flu). Either way the effects were the same: you go to sleep but never wake up.

Who Would Be Stupid Enough To Experiment With Spanish Flu?

Just about anyone that can get there hands on some preserved samples of the virus. That includes incredibly unstable regimes such as the one in North Korea. The problem with the flu virus is that it’s very fragile – it would have died long ago once the hapless host was dead and buried.

smiling north korean women soldiers

“Our glorious, inbred dear leader is going to ruin your day.”

It’s here that the Russian’s come to the ‘rescue’. Samples were successfully extracted from a number of victims buried in Siberian permafrost. Step one on the path to manufacturing a global killer had been achieved quicker than you can say, “Oh my God! I’m dead.”

This not so friendly virus was then shipped off to one of a number of dubiously named research centres. Presumably, it wouldn’t take long for samples to have made their way to Communist states such as North Korea keen to poke a diseased finger in the eye of the capitalist Western pigs.

Interestingly, any kind of subterfuge was a waste of time. Scientists have proven that Spanish flu is a mutation of H1N1 aka bird flu. The very same bad boy that caused the world to collectively shit itself a few years back and one that’s actually pretty easy to get hold of.

The Black Death

The Black Death has more notches on its ‘bed of death’ than Joseph Stalin. In the mid-1300’s, this little disease was responsible for killing about 60% of Europe’s population which is only marginally less than some terrorist organisations wish for. More on that in a minute.

empty mcdonalds

I can see the benefits of population reduction.

Scientists have produced evidence to show that this disease is related to another mass killer: the bubonic plague. Symptoms of both afflictions include the sufferer’s skin blackening (thanks to sub-epidermal hemorrhage). If that wasn’t enough, sufferer’s are also likely to experience the joys of gangrene and acral necrosis. Some experts have suggested the ‘black’ in Black Death probably refers to, “black in the sense of glum or dreadful and to denote the terror and gloom of the events.” Really? No shit!

Who Would Be Stupid Enough To Experiment With Black Death

Remember the mention of terrorist organisation’s earlier? Well take one of those and throw and a little rabid, hate filled bile. Then add a dash of religious fundamentalism and you have your answer: Al Qaeeda. Yeah, our old but slightly bonkers ‘unfriends’ really do have it in for anyone that doesn’t believe in their doctrine.

al qaeeda off to paradise

“Hi ho, hi ho, it’s off to paradise we go…”

Whilst this threat is very real it’s also kind of comforting to hear that even the most fervent advocates of terror would appear to be terminally stupid. Want proof? Then look no further than the North African Al Qaeeda cell that was attempting to weaponise the Black Death. Instead of unleashing hell on Earth they managed to infect themselves. All 40 members of the cell died. Rubber gloves and face masks boys… need I say anymore?

Putting aside there stupidity, where would terrorists from third world countries learn the skills needed to unleash hell on Earth? Let’s put it another way: in 2008, up to 100 potential terrorists attempted to become post-graduate students in the UK in order to access laboratories!

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