Just under 2,000 years, mount Vesuvius had a little hissy fit. Ok, a little more than just a minor tantrum – just ask the 10,000 or so citizens of Pompeii who ended up as novelty vases for future generations of Italian tourists.
But we know this already. What we don’t know is what’s coming and how quickly it will obliterate all life on Earth. One moment, our faces will light up in awe, the next we’ll be screaming in agony as one these natural disasters turns the human race into just another drop out in the race of life…
Death By Meteor Impact
Want to know how to save mankind from a fiery rain of molten death pouring down from the skies? Just get Hollywood to dialup Bruce Willis and his band of badass riggers who will happily risk their lives for a boatload of hard cash and eager throng of brazen women.
But it’s not quite that simple. In the real world, scientists have already suggested that detecting a planet killing piece of rock in time is very difficult. Also, by the time we do see one, it’s unlikely that any of our puny nukes would reach the meteorite in time to deflect it from striking Earth. Finally, there’s no guarantee that, if we do nuke the sucker, it won’t break in multiple pieces and make a bad day even worse.
What Are The Chances of Earth Being Struck by a ‘J-Lo’s arse’ Sized Piece of Rock?
Hello! Did you seriously ask that question? Have you been living on another planet. Actually, if you have then you might be better off getting the hell off Earth.
Every year we have near misses. I’m not talking coughing fits that cause you to flood your underwear with urine. I’m not talking about nearly stepping in that massive pile of crap that someones dog left on your front lawn.
Every day scientists are finding new meteorites that are heading towards our planet. Some will sail harmlessly past us in the same way we wish the ball would sail harmlessly over the crossbar in a penalty shootout with Germany.
Others, like the guy on the Tube clutching two children’s dolls and slowly repeating, “Which one is evil? Barbie or Ken?” come a little too close for comfort. As we found when the Chelyabinsk meteor demonstrated on 15th Feb 2013 when it touched down in Siberia causing about 1200 people to be injured
Now, the Chelyabinsk meteor was small and it landed in a lake. A meteor only 3 times bigger would have destroyed about 750 square miles if it had hit land. That’s like wiping out Birmingham in the UK. Hmm.
Yellowstone Is Deadlier Than You Think
Yellowstone – an icon. It was the world’s first national park at a time a when most Americans seemed intent on blowing holes in pretty anything edible that didn’t holler ‘Yeeha’. But Yellowstone has a dark side – a vast, simmering cauldron of molten death that’s just waiting to screw the planet.
You see, this stunning area of natural beauty is sat slap bang on top of one of the biggest volcanoes known to man. When it blows you can kiss America goodbye – fact. Now, for any religious nutcases who are currently rejoicing at this thought – think again. When this baby blows pretty much the whole world will be screwed (with the exception of Vatican City cause the Pope’s got a deal going on with God).
What are the Chances of the Yellowstone Cauldera Killing Us All?
Watch Animal Planet then do a little homework. The danger is more imminent that most of us realise.
According to scientists, Yellowstone last blew it’s top about 640,000 years ago. Calculations suggest that this kind of event happens once every 600,000 years. That makes us overdue by about 40,000 years. Now, if you’re already over the age of 90 then this probably won’t concern you – after all, the chances are that you won’t live to see this event.
The rest of us are screwed. Really screwed. Even now there are rumblings. Over the past 20 years, vulcanologists (egg heads that study volcanoes and not Spock’s taut buttocks) have reported rising levels of activity in the volcano.
Like I said earlier, this is one ‘molten death spewer’ that we really don’t want going up on our watch. Not only will most of America get very hot and melted but the rest of the world will feel the side effects – cloud blocking out the sun for months, mass extinction, the end of Dallas…
When those few remaining humans come blinking back into the sunlight, they’ll find a very different world waiting for them. For a start, unless the powers that be took some XBox games developers into the bunker then playing Halo 3 for 100 years is going to get a bit tedious.
Just in case you’re still unclear here’s an idea of the destruction this kind of eruption will cause:
Death By Global Warming
It’s been in the news for years. Even U.S Vice President, Al Gore, got excited enough about it to make a movie (nothing to do with money, fame and narcissism, of course). It’s global warming. The killer in your car exhaust just went truly global.
So surely it’s time to listen to all your doom monger mates who are now slapping each other on the back and congratulating themselves on predicting the end of the world? No, in fact, if the strange, strange world of science is right then any kind of abstaining from CO2 emitting activities won’t make a difference – we really are doomed. You have two options: before the curtains come down on humanity’s final act: have as much sex as humanly possible or buy lots of bottles of oxygen (and then have as much sex as possible).
What are the chances that Global Warming Will Really Kill Us?
In between polishing their foreheads and remaking science in the image of cool, boffins have been pouring over the data for years. The conclusion? Well, where we’re going there’s no need for money. Or food. Or being alive.
The biggest headache for humanity (and all the other species that will go down in our on strike out on evolutionary pinball) isn’t how much CO2 we’re producing right now. It’s about all that greenhouse gases that have been absorbed by the planet of the last few million years. Like the estimated trillions of tonnes of gases under the Siberian permafrost.
It’s like a giant snowball rolling down the hill towards you but, in this case, the snowball is killer gases and you is all life on Earth. Ready to be smothered? Because, if we don’t do something about our emissions pretty soon, we’ll be joining T-Rex in the next extinction event.
But if these trillions of tonnes of gases are trapped what’s the problem? Simple: it’s under permafrost. As the planet warms the permafrost starts to melt which results in the trapped greenhouse gases being released into the atmosphere. Global warming accelerates to a speed that would have Jeremy Clarkson drooling with envy.
Is it too late? Nobody can actually tell us for sure. What we do know is that, ironically, watching television programmes that warn us about global warming is helping to accelerate global warming. As is driving a car, breathing and not changing cow’s diets to reduce the amount of farting they do. Nature’s own black comedy at play.
Want to know what planet Earth will look like after global warming has done its job? Here you go: