Weapons research is big money but have you ever wondered where military scientists get their ideas? For a long time, it was assumed that keeping a group of dome-headed researchers locked in a darkened room and feeding them enhanced brain food was a surefire path to unlocking the creative secrets behind death, destruction and huge profits. In fact, our assumptions are all wrong.
Weapons design is, quite literally, one big joke. Some of the most awesome weapons to ever grace the battlefield take their inspiration from our sexual inferiority complexs. The art of inventing new toys for the military and meglomaniacs intent on world domination is based entirely on dick jokes.
Here’s a selection of weapons that uncover our innermost sexual fears…
Stalin’s Organ Is A Massive Penis
Stalin’s Organ: what kind of image does that conjure up your mind? Maybe a huge replica of the Soviet leaders knob mounted on a ZiS-6 6×4 truck, spewing out a sticky stream of Communist propaganda across the battlefields of eastern Europe? Close but not close enough. Stalin’s Organ was the nickname given to the multi-barreled, Russian Katyusha rocket launcher by German troops on the Eastern front. First seen in 1939, these weapons were cheap and easy to produce. They were also capable of striking fear into enemy troops. And who wouldn’t be terrified at the thought of being slam dunked by a massive penis because…
The Katyusha was in a major advance in the dick waving stakes.
One of a man’s biggest sexual hangups is the size of his penis. Too small and you’ll be laughed out of town. Even worse is the thought of being mistaken for a woman. So what better way to advertise your nations oversized manhood than by building a weaponised replica of it. The Russians made it even more terrifying by inadvertently designing the fueselage to making a screaming noise as traveled through the air, ‘This is the sound you’ll make as my organ tears you a new arsehole’.
Automatic Weapons Are All About The Second Coming
Automatic weapons are the preferred option for pretty much anyone wanting to spray enemy troops with molten, lead-filled death whilst emphasising their aura of manliness. But, more than any other weapon, this is all about a man’s virility. The ability for constant, repeat action is normally only available to male porn stars. But most men are made of lesser stuff that’s why we invented the Gatling gun way back in 1887. It just goes to prove that even in a bygone era men were still obsessed by the idea more than simple a ‘one shot wonder’. The advent of the automatic weapon was rapidly followed by cries of, ‘I’m going to pop multiple caps in your ass… literally!’
The Gatling gun saved man’s frail ego.
“Don’t worry lovey, it happens to a lot of men. We can try again in a minute.” Contrary to popular belief, those are not the words any man wants to hear. It’s bad enough missing the dropzone. Being told it’s a common occurence is like having a wrecking ball slammed down on your already crumbling ego. How long do you have to wait for the next attempt at not blowing your wad in under two minutes? 15 minutes? Half an hour? It doesn’t matter because either way it will feel like an eternity. By creating a monstrosity of war capable of constantly pumping our lead filled fury, mankind has finally managed to his peace with the curse of premature ejaculation and failure to get it up again.
Explosives Are The Ultimate Thrill
Looking over the brow of the hill, you wait in silence. Your hand hovers over the initiator. You press. Five hundred metres in front of you the ground erupts. A split second later the shock wave hits you. Your body tenses as the waves of compressed air roll over your body. Finally, as rapidly as it came, the tension disappears and you feel a rush of euphoria. Explosives were invented by the Chinese way back in the 9th Century. To be fair, they were originally envisaged as a form of entertainment for the rich (and occassionally their slaves, if they were feeling generous). But let’s face it: explosives are all about sex. To be precise, they represent an explosive climax that some people fail to ever reach. Who can blame a man for paying a few quid in order to simulate one of the simplest pleasures in life.
Dynamite is the perfect orgasm replacement
For some of us, blowing shit up has to be the closest you can get to an orgasm without having sex with another person (or a small animal, if the fancy takes you). Explosives have been with us for thousands of years which pretty much means the Chinese were getting hard over big bangs back when the rest of the world was still trying to club all other lifeforms into mush. You see, explosives are the ultimate in getting off – whether you’re playing solo or entertaining! Orgasms were invented by nature as an incentive for humans to have an awful lot of sex rather than as a form of relief normally only experienced when browsing a certain type of website. Honestly now, which ‘detonator’ would you prefer to be stroking?
Nature may have invented sex but not all of us were made equal. Fortunately man is very adept at levelling the playing field by replacing all his sexual insecurities with weapons that can eradicate the shame of any one of a number of ‘deficiancies’. Thank for you reading – you may now flick back to the porn site you have open in another tab (you’re not fooling us).