4 Amazing Animal Powers That Will Make Your Life Simpler

dolphin jumping

“Tom Daley is my bitch!”

Nature: it’s a spectacular collision of biology meets evolution and the stakes are high. Fail to make the grade and your lineage will be dumped down the toilet faster than you can say, “What does extinction mean?”

Fortunately, some of Earth’s weirdest, cutest and deadliest have shown us how to survive in the game of life (and death). They’ve developed some pretty amazing powers that could have some simple yet practical uses for mankind. Are you ready to question your right to remain on the wobbly top rung of the evolutionary ladder? Ever wished there was a really simple yet incredibly spiteful way of teaching the speeding driver who just jumped a red light a lesson? I do and that’s why I want some of these powers…

The Ability To Spit Corrosive Venom

more venomous than this

Far, far more venomous than this.

Hornet’s have pretty much been mankind’s whipping boy since they decided that our soft flesh would be an ideal place to embed their rapier like stingers. More aggressive than Mike Tyson after he found out you stole his drugs stash and banged his girl, these fearsome bugs are prime candidates for an intensive course in anger management. But, apart from a desperate need to relive their youth and blame their uncontrollable rage on parents who couldn’t give a shit, these rage filled beasts have an awesome dance move: projectile vomiting.

japanese giant hornet

Holy crap!

Did you just yawn? Is that something you do every Sunday morning after a kidney crushing, Saturday night drinking session? Well, the chances are that your vomit couldn’t melt the face off the barman in your local.

This insect from Hell can spray flesh melting toxins – into your eyes!

Want to know how you can copy this insects flesh melting powers? Remember all those old washing up liquid bottles you used to play with as a child in the summer haze? Empty out the water, fill it with flesh eating venom then strap the bottle to your arse. Congratulations, you have sidestepped about 5 million years of evolution and squeezed it into 5 minutes (just like Blue Peter).

Practical Applications Of Corrosive Venom

Here an equation: dick + car = mega dick. Just think how easily the ability to vomit corrosive venom could remove one half of that equation.

Knock Out Punches Faster Than A Bullet

knockout punch

I swear that guy played the Joker in Batman.

Superman was faster than a speeding bullet. The problem is he was make believe – just a story to make America feel good in the aftermath of a World War that decimated entire populations and wreaked havoc on industry. On the other hand, Mantis shrimps are real and they can move as fast as a speeding bullet. Or at least their claws can as they’re used to deadly effect when ‘subduing’ their next meal (right before it’s eaten alive).

mantis shrimp

Chinese dragon dancing meets gay pride.

Ok, so a little shrimp killing other little shrimps is actually a bit boring. After all, that’s what animals do to each other. We’re the top of the food chain (unless a polar bear just happens to eat your head) so who cares? The people who’ve had their fingers split open care.

The Mantis shrimp is found in warm waters like those around Australia. Warm waters attract swimmers and holiday makers. These people then shove their hands into rock pools. The Mantis shrimp gets a little tetchy and fires off one of it’s claws. The result? A deep split in the skin caused by the force behind the punch. Oh, and if you’re really unlucky, you’ll run into ‘spearers’ and their barbed claws that make you feel like you nail gunned your finger to the wall.

Practical Applications Of A Knockout Punch

If you’ve ever fancied yourself as some kind of superhero then you’re going to need the ability to render the bad guys unconscious with a single blow of the fist.

Climb Walls Unaided

human fly

“After insemination, you will soon inherit all my powers.”

Most of the early super heroes had a handy selection of powers that could conveniently save them from an untimely death. Superman’s X-ray vision was used to spot speeding trains through the walls of a building (even though the Man of Steel was pretty much immune to any collision). Another key power available to most of these icons was that of ‘lack of self-respect’ – after all, some of those early costumes were pretty close to the edge. The shameless gecko doesn’t have any problems because it’s naked and can climb walls.

gecko

Walks on ceilings, impossibly cute and doesn’t need a hankie when it’s ill – evolutionary perfection.

So we’ve all seen the human fly scaling the outside of skyscrapers in New York – what’s the big deal? The gecko doesn’t need any kind of media attention, sycophantic fans or man-made suckers to hit the highs. Instead, this is a real animal power not one fuelled by ego.

Now, before anyone goes rushing off to shout about discovering a new miracle from Heaven, let’s get the facts. Firstly, this outrageously cute reptile has not been blessed by Jesus or any other deity you may care to believe in. In fact, the gecko’s feet are covered in microscopic hairs which latch onto tiny cracks and imperfections in the surface of walls and even ceilings.

Practical Applications Of Hairy Palms

Nature has provided every person on the planet with a foolproof way of assessing the quality of work carried out by painters and decorators.

The Ability To See In The Dark

night vision gimp mask

Spawned by Billy’s obsession with gimp masks and masturbating in a darkened rooms, this gadget resulted in half the MoD’s scientists being made unemployed.

Sometimes nature throws up an evolutionary curiosity so amazing that it ticks pretty much every box you can think of. Can see in the dark but is not a sissy rabbit – check. Insanely cute – check. Fearsome predator – check.  Can have a broom handle inserted in its bum and be used to clean windows – check. Ok, let’s gloss over the last three points; we’re interested in having 20/20 vision at night – without military grade goggles or freaky, futuristic implants that aren’t available yet. Enter the Tarsier.

tarsier going for a crap

“Guys there are times and places for the camera. When I’m trying to go for a crap is not one of them.”

Ok, it looks kind of soft and wimpy but that’s the whole point. Embedded in the skull of this tiny ape are two eyes that make it one of the most efficient predators on the planet. And, unlike many other animals, it’s incredibly cute. It has the kind of cuteness factor that, if grafted onto a man, would ensure a lifetime of carefree sex.

Tarsier’s have huge eyes. In fact, they’re so big that they can’t move in the socket – instead this ravenous carnivore has to move its head to see where the next meal is coming from. This is in complete contrast to your girlfriend who is perfectly capable of ‘head movements’. The light enhancing capabilities of these Tarsier’s eyes are so powerful that it can take down animals in nearly complete darkness.

Practical Applications Of Night Vision

The Tarsier’s eyes are the perfect addition to any assassins arsenal. But if you’re more of a lover than a fighter then you’re in luck: there’s a bonus prize. These eyes rate 20 out of 10 on the cuteness scale which means you’ll never again have any problem getting someone into bed.

Mother Nature – we thank you.

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