Celebrities are pretty good at entertaining us: it’s what they’re paid to do. But when that entertainment comes free of charge it gets even better. Aside from the obvious ‘celeb A shags celeb B, celeb C and his pet hamster’ situation things sometimes get a little more interesting. How? Celebrity feuds. Yeah, in most cases the bitch fest might seem a little contrived but every once in a while things really kick off and a free for all ensues. Cue black eyes, bloody noses and a sprinkling of murder. Just like these…
Justin Bieber Versus…Everyone
FACT: Justin Bieber has a knack of annoying fans, photographers… oh fuck it – the whole world. But times are changing and Bieber is blossoming into a fine young woman (complete with hormonal outbursts and a diva-like attitude).
Bieber has a huge, worldwide following of female fans who, for the most part, are under the age of 13 which goes some way to explaining why this arrogant, talentless singer is doing so well. When not performing mindless love songs designed to boost his sex appeal to pre-pubescent girls and inflate his ego, Bieber spends much of his time hanging out with a pet monkey and, allegedly, a gang of weed smoking roadies. His fans are known as Beliebers which would be kind of funny if I had the IQ of dung.
Most people know their limits. Choosing to pick a fight with a bouncer that looks like a cross between Conan and a rock ape is a bad idea. Sure, having your own bodyguards to back you up at the first sign of being slapped and running away like a whining little bitch seems a bit unfair but, hey – why risk having your pigeon chest crushed with a single blow from someone smaller than you?
So far, this little darling has managed to shove a photographer in London (but the singer avoided having his face used as a boot cleaner when his bodyguard intervened). Justin has also been involved in an altercation with his next door neighbour who was apparently annoyed Bieber parked his Ferrari on the family dog. Rumours abound that it was Bieber’s mother who prevented him from being slapped into orbit on this occasion. I can see a trend already.
More recently, Bieber decided that his next target on his ‘hit them once and retreat behind a burly guard’ list was Korean singer Psy.
Reports abound of a punch up outside a LA night club are rife as are stories that Psy landed a monster right hook on the side of Bieber’s head. Sadly for all of us unBelieber’s it’s not true (but we can keep on hoping).
Muhammad Ali Versus Joe Frazier
Boxing is a sport where two men, or women, enter a ring and bludgeon each other. Years later, there’s a high chance that many of the former sportsmen will find themselves punch drunk and drooling into their porridge.
To some, boxers are the pinnacle of entertainment – it’s the perfect opportunity for baying crowds to experience the highs of gladiatorial combat without actually getting hurt themselves. How’s that for the ultimate safety net?
So, two guys get into a ring and start beating each other for 12 three minute rounds. Only one will win. But once the game is over most boxers just get on with their lives preparing for their next bout or maybe indulging in the delights of former glamour models and sports cars. A few of them don’t leave their rivalries buried in amongst the blood and sweat stained wood shavings. Instead, after punching people for 36 minutes in the face the first thing they do outside of the ring is look for someone to punch in the face!
Frazier and Ali had a long running feud. Hating each other is an understatement. On seeing Ali lighting the Olympic flame, Frazier said “If I had the chance, I would have pushed him in”. Kindly words from a man who had apparently found religion in the ironically tender embrace of the Baptist church.
The origins of this titanic slagging-fest can be found in Ali’s withering comments. During a review of the first of their matches, the antagonists met at the ABC studios in New York. During the interview Ali did what he did best (apart from beating opponents to the canvas) – he dissed Frazier’s performance. Enraged, Joe did what you’d expect from a mild mannered expert in the art of fisticuffs – he squared up to Ali.
The fight was eventually broken up but viewers were unanimous – it was the best, unpaid fight they ever saw.
The stage was now set for a third and final smack down between the two showmen – a fight that Frazier would lose.
Zidane Versus Materazzi
When it comes to violence, Football isn’t normally in the same league as boxing. Well, not unless you’re called Zidane – then you have every right to use great violence.
To some, soccer is the beautiful game; to others it’s the perfect opportunity to sample insane quantities of alcohol until reaching a near vegetative state. Once sufficiently anaesthetised to effects of pain, fire, cold and common sense, fans then attempt to reenact the bloody scenes of the Russian revolution in the middle of their home teams pitch.
In an era of genteel, non-racist football, you’d expect massively overpaid entertainers will lead by example, right? Hahaha, you fools. There’s no escaping the fact that most soccer players are prima donna’s whose apparently life threatening injuries caused by a tackle miraculously heal the moment a penalty is awarded. A bit like raising Lazarus but far less believable. So when matches get a bit boring what’s a midfielder to do? Why, head butt a member of the opposing team, of course. It’s the obvious answer.
Which is exactly what Frenchman Zidane did to Materazzi during the 2006 World Cup Final (instantaneously killing the Frenchman’s position as one of the most respected players in the game faster than you can, ‘Your sister is a sl…’
Because that is, apparently, what Materazzi said to Zinedine. The feud kicked off after Materazzi allegedly pulled at his opponents shirt during the game. Zidane’s witty answer: “if you want my shirt so much you can have it after the match… when we’re in the show together, lathered in aromatic soap and oils” Ok, I made up the part about the shower because, well, you have to admit that Zidane’s response was as awe inspiring as a turd (a very small one at that). Materazzi apparently responded that he would prefer a stab at Zidane’s sister. And who wouldn’t? Smelly, sweaty Frenchman’s shirt or a good looking chick – I leave the decision to you.
Anyhow, Zidane decided that the gentlemanly answer to this challenge wasn’t to run away. Instead he head butted Materazzi square in the chest. But, if you’ve ever seen the video you’ll know that, like his comeback, Zidane’s Glasgow kiss was pretty limp.
For his sins, the French player got a red card. His opponent? A standing ovation for his potrayal of a big baby.
Notorious BIG versus Tupac
It’s hard to ignore the influence that rap music’s had on modern culture. From snorting obscene of quantities of drugs that would stun an elephant through to shooting ‘yo mutha’ – it’s all in a day’s work for these heroes of music.
But what’s a gangsta to do in his spare time? When threatening the lady that gave birth to you starts to get a little tedious, rappers start blowing chunks out of each other – literally. With guns. Really, really big guns that shoot lots of bullets in a very short space of time. Just like Notorious BIG and Tupac Shakur did (or didn’t do, depending on who you believe).
The whole ‘you shot me so take some vengeance-filled leaden death mofo’ thing kicked off back in 1994 after Tupac managed to stop five bullets outside a New York recording studio. Prior to this event the two rap stars had been close friends but BIG’s track “Who Shot Ya” caused a shitstorm of controversy not least with Tupac who accused his former pal of being the trigger man. Being grown men you’d expect them to shake hands and let bygones be bygones, right? No fucking way!
Tupac responded with the track “Hit ‘em Up” in which he claimed to have made sweet, sweet love to BIG’s wife, Faith Adams. Or did he mean bone her until her eyes rattled? I’m not quite sure. Either way, the whole girly argument resulted in a standoff where both rappers pulled guns on each other. Neither dropped the hammer on the other which means they either didn’t have the kahuna’s or they were both holding rubber dongs and not pistols.
In what seemed like an extreme case of deja vu, Tupac was shot dead in September ’96 in Las Vegas. So it’s pretty safe to assume that Biggie had the last (maniacal) laugh? Yeah but he only had 6 months in which to congratulate himself – in March 1997, he was murdered in California.
Neither murder has ever been solved.