There’s an old wive’s tale that goes like this: The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. Wrong! The way to a man’s heart is through his chest – with an ice pick. But we’re not going to dwell on minor family disputes.
Apparently, the world is in the grip of a global obesity epidemic. Scientists are regularly finding new reasons why we pile on the pounds. The one constant that most studies produce is that, thanks to evolution’s perverse sense of humour, we are hard wired to gorge ourselves into an ever expanding need for loose fit clothes. This means the health food industry is having a field day. But there are a few little secrets they haven’t been telling us…
Dried Fruit Is Full Of Sugar and Death
Imagine biting down on a piece of dried banana. Just after the wafer thin slice disintegrates with a delicious crunch your teeth explode in a shower of blood, calcium and indescribable pain. Seconds later, your waistline throws up a massive red flag as it expands, straining your belt and cutting off circulation to your lower body. Welcome to the sugar fix.
Yeah, it’s dramatic but I’m illustrating a point here: dried banana’s contain over 20% more fat and 3 times the calories of their fresh counterpart. Oh, and because we’re doing as nature intended, we won’t simply at a few slices – before you know it, you will have finished the whole packet and then it’s time to start the search for more food.
But there’s more. Some dried fruit has been found to contain mycotoxins. Now, if the name doesn’t set off any alarm bells in the primeval part of your brain then you have a short and troubled future ahead of you.
Mycotoxins have a number of pretty shitty side-effects when ingested by humans. These include: general health problems, nausea and a weakened immune system. Oh, a bad case of being dead.
Sushi Will Make You Fat and Radioactive
Sushi has long been held up as a shining example of one of the healthiest foods you can eat. Well, as long as you don’t get poisoned by the bladder of the Fugu fish. After all, how can a food that has so little fat, and is worshipped by size 0 models, make you put on weight? 126 million Japanese connoisseurs and a 39 catwalk models can’t be wrong, right?
Genuine Sushi is nothing like the stuff you can buy from your local supermarket. You see, here in the West, we like to do things a little different. Raw fish simply isn’t appetising enough for most of us so we dress it up a little to give it a little more zing. Add in some sweet smelling sauce, a tasty mayonnaise side or a roll and your 130 calorie snack just packed on another 370 calories.
But there’s more. Following the meltdown at the Fukushima reactor, Japan have a severe case of, ‘Holy shit, I’d better stop eating this crap or I’m going to melt’.
In what could only be considered as the fastest divorce in history, Japanese fish lovers went from wedded bliss with their catfish amour to inconsolable divorcee roaming the streets in search of a new suitor (like a tiger sandwich).
Artery Bursting, Salmonella Packed Vegetable Crisps
Vegetable crisps are the closest thing that most vegetarians have to a get out of jail free card. They’re made from the fruits of the earth, they taste delicious and they’re not cooked in the subcutaneous fat of a pig. But before you and your pale yet strangely attractive friends start high fiving each other and calculating how much longer you’ll live than the evil meat eaters, STOP!
Some less than scrupulous crisp companies have been caught out filling the gaps with ordinary crisps, tortilla chips and even nuts in order to keep costs down. On top of this, there’s the disturbingly high levels of fat: 9 – 10 grammes per handful!!! “You there with the vegetable crisps! See this picture of an exploding heart? That’s yours.” You might as well save the emergency services the effort, just put a toe tag on now and hop on the gurney.
Guess what? There’s more. “Seriously? Could you bring us anymore stories of doom and gloom as we try to rid ourselves of the curse of cankles?” Yep! Because, if your arteries don’t explode and rip their way out your body before thrashing around in a death dance in front of your very eyes the salmonella will get you.
In 2010, large quantities of US brand Tom’s Barbecue Potato Chips were recalled due to a health scare. Normally, most Brits would be sniggering right now as we imagine new bulletins outing manufacturers who failed to put enough fat in the food to meet the demands of the American market. But Salmonella is no laughing matter; it’s more a matter of fever, abdominal cramps and a really bad case of, ‘Honey, I shit the bed…again’.
Bug Free, Calorie Loaded Breakfast Cereal Bars
In the world of health foods, if something tastes really crappy then it must be good for you, apparently. By natures standards, cereal bars should taste like gravel – with all the flavour ripped out of it! Seriously, have you ever nibbled on a dry husk of wheat? If you don’t have your own crop field close to hand, try chewing your way through a whole Shredded Wheat bar – without milk or sugar or any kind of topping that makes it delicious by hiding the shitty taste.
Finished? Now you understand why the food industry had to give cereal bars a makeover. Nobody in their right mind would willing part with their cash if the food didn’t taste right. Cereal bars are loaded with enough sugar and fat to give a Snickers bar a run for its money. On top of that, they’re smaller than most chocolate bars which means you’ll probably eat two of them in one sitting.
But there’s more. Because they’re labeled as cereal bars it would be fair to assume they’re pretty much as nature intended. If Mrs. Nature owned a food processing plant. And loaded all her products with fat and sugar. Because she loves money. And hates humanity! Wrong.
Over the years, a number of cereal crops have been found to contain traces of pesticides. By ‘traces’ I don’t mean insignificant levels that, if you eat 5 cereal bars a day over 20 years will kill you. The levels of pesticides in some wheat crops was so high that manufacturers issued an immediate recall off all their products and donated them to a charity for psychotic war criminals.