The animal kingdom is full of cute, furry little creatures that make us to go all weak at the knees. How many times have you chuckled at the antics of seemingly intelligent dogs on websites like Youtube? But secretly, all animals are evil. Their sole intent is to turn the tables on humanity and reap a bloody harvest of revenge and crushed testicles.
If you’re a non-believer then it’s time to open the book of animal revelations. Feast your eyes on once adorable creatures that have been unmasked as disciples of pain and revenge…
Sheep On The Rampage
Sheep are pretty much the whipping boys of the animal kingdom. They’re stupid but they taste amazing (with a little mint sauce). They’re docile and easily reared yet, every day, farmers unleash canine hell upon them as they round them into pens ready for the long, fun packed journey to the abattoir.
You have to admit that it’s pretty hard to resist raising a smile when you see spring lambs hopping and jumping in the fields even if you’re sizing them up for Sunday lunch.
The film industry has dabbled with the idea of killer sheep. Black Sheep was like a fucked up, twist of nature gone wild where a virus turned half of New Zealand into a barren wasteland filled with half chewed human corpses. To be precise, humans that were killed and eaten by sheep.
But this is all fantasy, right? Yeah but out in the arse end of nowhere the Russians have found their own answer to the Kiwi’s worst nightmare.
Tanked up on Vodka and apparently enraged at seeing his old friend now being worn as a fashion accessory, this sheep attempted to headbutt a guy back to the era of glasnost – repeatedly. According to news reports, the antagonist managed to walk away with his testicles and alcohol-filled hip flask intact but was later found dead in his home having been choked with a woollen garotte.
Given that a number of countries have birds as their emblems and they’re one of the most popular household pets in the world, it’s fair to assume they’re not likely to hurt humans. After all, they seem pretty content to spend their lives eating seed and breadcrumbs in the park and not pecking the eyes out of the little old lady feeding them.
But remember this: birds are the descendants of dinosaurs. Not a herbivore either. Why would a plant eater come equipped with a beak sharp enough to pierce your heart like in some kind of satanic ritual?
But don’t say you haven’t been warned. 50 years ago, Hitchcock ran up the red flag with his film, ‘The Birds’. Rumour has it that the original film was to be called, ‘Holy shit, help me. Sparrows are trying to eat my brain!’ but was changed when the film maker with the abundant waistline thought he wouldn’t be taken seriously.
But that’s enough fantasy. Even if birds are secretly planning a return to the Jurassic era this is just the ramblings of man who poured his ideas into celluloid whilst attempting to grope his leading lady, right?
Wrong. Birds are bastards. Not only are they more than happy to attack us but they’ll even take on something a little bigger. Something like a jumbo jet. In what was probably the first ever case of an avian flash mob, thousands of birds attacked a BA jumbo jet. But this wasn’t an isolated case. In 2010, a large flock attacked a military aircraft as it came in to land. In both cases, the man made flying machine won even though a number of these feathered psycho’s threw themselves into the plane’s engines in attempt to down it. P.S Birds are currently unaware that they’re not as hard as a turbofan!
Elephants – they’re large, grey, lumbering, highly intelligent and make excellent umbrella holders. Can anyone say they can’t a place for them in their heart or the hallway?
Sorry, sometimes we get a little confused between mild humour and the tragic slaughter of magnificent creatures to fuel a collectors urge to feel like ‘a true man’ every time he salivates over a piece of once living tissue. Like bear gall bladders and tiger juice, the elephant has gone from a wonder of creation to a parts factory for ornamental curiosities.
Back to the topic: we all know elephants can be aggressive. The severe mood swings tend to be a result of a desire to protect their mates and young rather than binge drinking. But, like boozed up Brits, they seem more than happy to show the world they depths to which their rage will carry them. And they’ve developed a taste for human flesh.
Ok, I told a little lie. Elephants don’t eat humans. Although there are no documented cases of this happening it would be fairly easy to hide a few human bodies inside a pile of elephant dung.
One person ‘fortunate’ enough not to have been eaten by an elephant is Jonathon Sykes, a British tourist who was visiting Kenya. But he was mauled by one – pretty badly. According to reports, the creature attacked Sykes for no apparent reason. After the first strike, he decided to play dead and convince his attacker to leave him alone. And why not? It’s definitely a better idea than standing with hands on hips and shouting, “Fuck you, missed me!” at 5 tonnes of Jack Nicholson on a bad day. Anyhow, Sykes survived and only lost 5 pints of blood which is way better than losing his life.
Cows have held a special places in our hearts and stomachs since the Neolithic times. They have huge eyes, ozone killing flatulence and are the delicious centrepiece of a lunchtime sandwich – what is there about not to love? Oh, did I mention their ability to blend in to any terrain?
In some parts of the world, cows are revered to the point that they can ‘make decisions’ on the destiny of the local population. Crazy but they’re probably doing a better job than some politicians. But some cows have a dark secret – they’re serial killers.
Ok, not serial killers like Jeffrey Dalmer but they probably smell a whole lot nicer when they’re electrocuted. Every year, hundreds of people around the world are killed by cows. Causes of death range from being bitten in the neck by enraged bovines to have having 1 tonne of beef moon walking on the victims face. Ok, I made the first cause up. And the second. Sort of. Because cows are descended from creatures like the Wildebeest. The one that takes on lions!
In 2013, police in Lincolnshire were called out to deal with an unruly member of a dairy herd. Not only had the beast developed aggressive tendencies but it invoked the spirit of Harry Houdini and escaped from the field where it was lived in harmony with its cow sisters. When we say aggressive, we mean it was charging people. Like a mad bull elephant. Only smaller and far less scary. Police officers attending the scene were forced to shoot the animal to stop it from injuring bystanders. Local school children wept for the loss before tucking into beef burgers for lunch.