Ever grumbled about the taxman? Sure, HMRC is capable of hitting you with massive fines or putting you in prison for a long time if you’ve been really naughty boys and girls. But there’s another organisation that’s been secretly reaping massive rewards by bending you over the table and extracting their pound of flesh.
Is it some kind of murky government body intent on using your money to shape the world in its own image? Sort of. It’s your local authority. They won’t don balaclava’s and drag you to the cashpoint at gunpoint to extract your hard earned cash. No, they use more subtle techniques to take the money out of your pocket. Techniques like these…
Fined for someone elses Littering habit
New Years eve celebrations lead to amnesia. The streets of Britain seemed to be littered with the inanimate figures of party reveler’s and copious quantities of vomit. But at least you can’t be fined for somebody else misdemeanours…
Actually, you can. Motorists can now experience the joy of handing over £100 in return for allowing their passengers to throw rubbish out of the car window. Without the drivers knowledge. Or permission. I bet that stings!
The Campaign to Protect Rural England recently backed a plan which could see local councils attempting to enter the realms of behaviour modification but, hopefully, without the use of electrodes attached to your genitals.
Oh, just to let you know, there’s no appeal process. In a distorted view of the legal process, it has been decided that regardless of you passengers thoughts on your moral authority, you are the one to pay the price. Seems fair… in Stalin’s image of a perfect Russia!
Ludicrous Parking Fines
Parking on double yellow lines is a real no-no. Well, unless you’re the Queen, God or a footballer with his head up his own arse. Even if you do get caught there’s a good chance that, with a little money and a decent lawyer, you’ll get off without a blemish on your immaculate record.
Likewise, parking across a path is likely to see your face plastered across the councils most wanted board. If bureaucratic assassins with shotguns don’t get you the traffic wardens will.
But what about parking too far away from the pavement? Is it really possible? Yes, my young padawan, it is.
In a world obsessed with red tape and health and safety, Gwynedd Council in North Wales has taken lunacy to a new level. Park over 19 inches away from the pavement and you’re going to be hit with a £70 fine.
You see, by parking this far away from the kerb you’ve marked yourself as the antichrist which means that you’re going to spend eternity in purgatory with Clarkson
Helping Ladies of the Night Ply their Trade
Statistics show that most prostitutes live relatively close to their place of ‘work’. Makes sense really. But what happens when a lady of the night becomes a little more self-conscious (I know, I know… just run with it)? How would she get from one bunk up to the next?
Well, if she’s normal, and assuming she doesn’t have a car, the local bus service would be the first port of call. Obviously, a taxi would probably be the best option for a rapid delivery of services – sex on wheels – but only if you don’t live in New York city.
Back in June 2012, the New York city council decided it was time to levy a charge on taxi drivers who transport prostitutes across the city. For a first offence, a cabbie can have his license revoked. A second strike of the leather paddle and the taxi driver could be hit with a fine of $10,000. Call me picky but, if you lose your license then you’re no longer a cab driver which means the second time you’re caught actually amounts to kerb crawling which has a lesser penalty! Can you see a plan forming?
But there is a flaw in the plan: some women have been mistaken for prostitutes because of their, ahem, dress sense. This could lead cabbies to avoid picking htem up for fear of being fined. Not a big problem unless you’re decided to indulge hooker-chique for a fancy dress party only to find yourself being stalked through the streets of the Big Apple by a real psycho-killer type!
Not Bothering to Vote
It’s fair to say that we all get a little cynical from time to time. Especially when it comes to politics. Knowing your tree hugger from an advocate of green belt carnage is an important part of your, ‘I told you so’ argument.
But what if you’re afflicted with that terrible, rapidly spreading disease called voter apathy? Does the constitution of the UK’s House of Commons really bother you? Are you happy to simply let them get on with their playground name calling games? If so, all you need to do is turn the alarm off on voting day.
But even if you’ve given up the wondrous privilege of decided which flavour of government shafts you for the next four years you still need to register. Because if you don’t, you will offered the chance to boost your local councils pension pot by £1,000!
Oh, and in addition to getting slapped by your council, not being registered can hurt your credit rating – double bonus points.
Having Too Much Rubbish
Rubbish is an everyday part of our lives. Packaging from your groceries, electronics and drugs has to be disposed of. But someone has decided there is a point at which you can have too much rubbish for which you’ll be punished. In a ironic twist, it’s not the rich who’ll be hit for overfilling their bins – it’s the poor.
Rumours abound that affluent and famous have specially trained servants who eat excess packaging. You and I can’t afford this luxury so we have to dispose of it in our wheelie bins. But beware – it’s like some vicious, alternate reality. The supermarkets and shops package your shopping. You dispose of the packaging only to be fined for having too much rubbish in your bin!
A prime example of this lunacy was the case of Gareth Corkhill from Copeland, Cumbria. Corkhill’s bin was so full that he was unable to close the lid. The scene of the crime was attended by two council enforcement officers who cautioned the miscreant… before issuing him with a ‘bonus prize’ in the form of a £110 fine.
In a hat tip to George Orwell’s ‘1984’, council officials, wearing anti-stab vests, approached the dangerous criminal brandishing photographic evidence of his sins:
Corkhill refused to pay and awarded a £15 surcharge by the local court plus he was ordered to pay £100 costs. Oh, and he’s now got a criminal record!