The first recorded instance of road rage dates back to 1627. Taking his eye off the road, Percy Baker of Shropshire reached down into his knapsack as he searched for his boiled turnip lunch. In the following moments, his horse and cart careered across the road and crashed into an oncoming carriage. In a fit of rage, the carriage driver launched a vicious attack that resulted in Percy’s turnip being crushed.
Fast forward to the present day and you’re more likely to be the aggressor. Why? Because most of us really are shit drivers who want to blame other drivers for our crappy skills. But what if the grim reaper could solve all those little annoyances you see on the road everyday? Which one would he choose to place his morbid grip on? What about these 6…
Not Giving Way On A Roundabout
Unless you took your driving test in North Korea, blindfolded, there’s a pretty good chance you know what a roundabout is. In fact, even if you haven’t seen one the concept is pretty easy to work out. But, just in case you really haven’t seen one before or you’re terminally stupid, here’s a quick run through of how it works:
1. A roundabout is a, err, round structure in the middle of the road.
2. When approaching, you GIVE WAY TO THE FUCKING RIGHT!
3. WHEN CLEAR you indicate, navigate the roundabout and select the required exit
4. Leave the roundabout without leaving other cars looking like this…
Now, for all the terminally stupid drivers out there, you may have noticed some very selective use of bold text in bullet point 2. There’s a reason why you give way to the right – so you don’t kill other motorists! It’s hard to apply the brakes and not hit the accelerator but, like declining to take the last After Eight in the box, we know you can do it. Just dig deep and call on all your willpower.
Not Using Your Indicators
Indicators are strange devices. When you’re driving you can’t actually see them but by flicking that little stick you keep yourself and other road users relatively safe from the clammy grasp of the grim reaper. So at what point did some pricks think that the rules don’t apply to them? You’re not only endangering other peoples live but also your own.
Many years ago, when I first passed my driving exam, my mother managed to convince me that not using my indicators was a cardinal sin. In fact, it got to the point where she had me convinced that if I manoeuvered without signalling would result in other drivers killing me. Legitimately. On the spot. A bit like Judge Dredd issuing a death sentence for a minor infringement – all above board and 100% legal.
The threat of violence is very real. Piss off your fellow drivers enough with your little game of automotive Russian roulette and you’ll feel the effects of road rage.
Ignoring Traffic Lights
Red means stop. Amber means get ready to move (without revving your 1.2 litre Ford Focus until the pistons scream). Green means go. As in steadily. Without wheel spinning. Or endangering others. But the key point is the red light. They’re there for a reason. To stop things like this from happening…
Or worse. When the lights on a crossing change to red it’s for a reason. What’s lost on some drivers is the actual reason – red lights mean you need to stop not attempt to race them a la Star Wars Pod Racer. Your evil alter-ego may well be screaming at you to take the risk and dice with (someone elses) death but that voice is simply your inner arsehole coming out to play.
Save the anal attitude for your days in hell – Old Nick has plenty of pitchfork fun saved up for your anus.
Driving Well Under The Speed Limit
Unlike some Eastern European countries, the UK’s roads are pretty well sign posted. Yeah, sometimes it can get a little over the top and we end up with information overload but signage is there to for a reason. Sadly, some drivers descend into their own, private reality where minimum speed limit markers morph into dancing sweeties to be ignored on a whim…
So why do some people insist on driving at 30 Mph in a 50 zone? It’s not safe – for you or other drivers. The, “I will force you to drive slowly in my village” attitude might seem fine to you but it’s dangerous. Likewise, using the same tactics on the open roads is likely to result in your insurance company crapping themselves inside out when they see the number of accidents you’ve caused.
If you insist on holding up other drivers with your, ‘fuck off and overtake me if you don’t like it’ attitude then you don’t be surprised when you face hits the top of the CIA’s most wanted list (or pavement).
Using Your Mobile Phone Whilst Driving
In evolutionary terms, mobile phones have been with us for less time than it takes a mosquito to fart. But the impact has been nothing short of life changing. For some people it’s been just a bit more than life changing – drivers using mobile phones have helped other motorists and pedestrians to meet their maker (as in not facilitating an emotional reunion with their long lost father).
Fact – Using your mobile phone whilst you’re driving is more distracting that having a 6 foot tall clown rubbing your genitals! For the morons that don’t understand what I’m saying: more than just your insurance premium could get hurt. In 2011 just over 1,900 people were killed in road accidents. Between 1998 and 2003 it was estimated that 20 deaths had resulted through mobile phone usage but the figure is probably far higher as full details aren’t always recorded.
“That’s not bad.” I hear you say. Tell that to the family of the person you ran over whilst you were watching ‘Juicy Jools’ perform on your smartphone.
Your belief in your ability to weave through traffic whilst changing gears and texting is not confidence – it’s simply a sign that you’re a dickhead.
It’s long been stated that cars and alcohol don’t mix but this is actually a lie. It is quite possible to run an automobile on near 100% proof vodka. Mad Max proved it as have countless other warriors of the wasteland. It’s about time this phrase was brought up to date: drunken wankers and vehicles of any form really don’t mix. The good old days when the police let you drive home, pissed out of your head are long gone.
Alcohol has some seriously lethal side effects. First, it increases your reaction time. No, this doesn’t mean you can dodge bullets like Superman – it’s the other way round. You take longer to react. to the person crossing the road. But that’s fine. Because alcohol removes inhibitions and makes you feel invincible. Nobody can catch you. So you can do a runner. Leaving the pedestrian laid out in the street.
Only the grim reaper benefits from drink driving – he gets two for the price of one!