A day doesn’t seem to go by without tales of the political elite wallowing in a shit-filled sty of excess, debauchery and embezzlement. And every night, those weary, downtrodden servants of the public take the long, lonely walk home before closing the door and spending hours
consuming huge quantities of porn, alcohol and drugs doing valuable research at the public’s expense.
To be fair, most of the voting public simply doesn’t give a shit unless their local politician is photographed wearing a ballgag in a compromising position with a Great Dane. But when it comes to have your taxes pillaged to fund lives of filthy, depravity and outright dishonesty then the public gets really pissed as these three corrupt politicians founds out:
Ray Burston Traps His Penis In A Government Laptop
Ok, it may not quite appear as it seems so let’s sum this one up.
Conservative Member of Parliament takes work computer home. Once the front door is locked and the curtains are closed, he proceeds to thrash himself senseless whilst browsing hardcore porn sites. Laptop breaks and is returned to council IT staff for repair. Technical team not convinced of Burston’s explanation that the residue on the keyboard must be bird crap that fell onto the device whilst he was stroking his chicken. Further investigation revealed a mammoth stash of porn which, once the techies had saved it their personal USB sticks, was reported to council leaders.
Once impaled on the vicious spike of moral outrage, Councillor Burston immediately offered his resignation but remained on as ward councillor. In addition, he donated his council allowance and ‘Naughty Nicky Hotpants Escapades’ DVD boxed set to the current Mayor’s preferred charities.
Silvio ‘The Belt Fed Love Machine’ Berlusconi
At the ripe old age of 76, most men are happy to settle for a pair of slippers and a warm blanket.
Apparently, Berlusconi is far from ordinary preferring the warming embrace of a fur necklace, alcohol and enough viagra to keep an elephant horny for the next 50 years. There’s nothing wrong with that. Most of us are convinced we can still rise to the occasion regardless of the how much arthritic agony or urinary tract infections Father Time throws at us. Sure, with Silvio’s money to keep us forever young the chances are that most men would be banging away like a privy door (in gentle breeze rather than a howling tornado). But when your choice of, ‘distinguished, ladylike companion’ turns out to be underage then you know you’ll soon be catching the eye of the muscular prison romeo.
In mid-2013, Berlusconi was found guilty of sex with a minor (and not a miner which, unless the burly harvester of coal is underage, is not illegal). The ‘absolutely innocent’ former Prime Minister of Italy pleaded not guilty to charges of having sexual intercourse with 17 year old Karima El Mahroug at one of his infamous ‘bunga bunga’ parties. The court disagreed and found him guilty. It’s kind of reassuring to know that someone who spent his life shafting people for his own financial gains will soon be on the receiving end.
Petr Necas: Mr Clean Hands Gets Down and Dirty
Former Czech Prime Minister, Petr Necas, was nicknamed ‘Mr Clean Hands’. In a political system that was riddled with acussations of spying and corruption, Necas did what any good hearted, yet poorly paid, politician who do: he went bad with a capital ‘B’. His alleged crimes include using state apparatus to spy on the First Lady aka his wife, from whom he had separated. In terms of doing stuff that’s really naughty, this comes as no surprise – the country is currently near the bottom of Transparency International’s corruption index – they’re expected to be like Europe’s naughty school kids.
As you’d expect, Necas was somewhat surprised at being caught in the sting, “I honestly didn’t realise that my actions were illegal.” Hey, you know what? He’s right. After all, what’s wrong with using tax payer’s money and the government’s security services to spy on your wife? Isn’t that something we all casually accept as par for the course? I can only guess that the crux of the investigation hinges on the £5 million of cash and 10Kg of gold that were seized during raids on government buildings.