What The Banks Can Learn From Natural Selection

noel edmonds smiling

Surely this can’t be the best natural selection has to offer?

Contrary to popular belief, bloated bankers on the receiving end of massive bonuses don’t park their Ferraris in anus-shaped garages. Most of them drive Bentleys. Now that we’ve corrected that common misunderstanding you’re probably thinking, ‘What the hell has money got to do with any part of the body?’

It’s all about evolution. Correction: it’s all about the natural selection part of evolution. Without an anus most, if not all, life on Earth would have been ripped apart in an explosion of shit millennia ago. Regardless of what appendages you think bankers have hanging from their foreheads you can rest assured that the money markets can only look forward to choking on their own foul effluence. Unless they take some tips from natural selection, because… Continue reading

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3 Terrifying Weapons Of War Based On Sexual Inadequacies

spartan soldiers in leather

Not quite what I had in mind but still topical.

Weapons research is big money but have you ever wondered where military scientists get their ideas? For a long time, it was assumed that keeping a group of dome-headed researchers locked in a darkened room and feeding them enhanced brain food was a surefire path to unlocking the creative secrets behind death, destruction and huge profits. In fact, our assumptions are all wrong.

Weapons design is, quite literally, one big joke. Some of the most awesome weapons to ever grace the battlefield take their inspiration from our sexual inferiority complexs. The art of inventing new toys for the military and meglomaniacs intent on world domination is based entirely on dick jokes.

Here’s a selection of weapons that uncover our innermost sexual fears… Continue reading

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What Medical Research Learnt From The Advertising Industry

arrow in head

Your mind is the untamed beast at which marketers have taken very careful aim.

Marketing and medical research – two polar opposite industries. or are they? One is obsessed with the point at which we’re going to die and the other is obsessed with the point at which we die and how much it can sell to us before the inevitable moment! It’s all about sales – because, after all, money makes the world go round.

At the end of the day, the product, be it a message of doom and gloom or a new model of hoover made ‘just for men’, is what drives the money machine. Cynical? Yes. True? Well, considering some highly respected health experts are also the mouthpieces of global pharmaceutical companies whose sole aim is to sell as many legal drugs as possible – hell yeah! And this is where the jigsaw of sordid intentions fits together because… Continue reading

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4 Amazing Animal Powers That Will Make Your Life Simpler

dolphin jumping

“Tom Daley is my bitch!”

Nature: it’s a spectacular collision of biology meets evolution and the stakes are high. Fail to make the grade and your lineage will be dumped down the toilet faster than you can say, “What does extinction mean?”

Fortunately, some of Earth’s weirdest, cutest and deadliest have shown us how to survive in the game of life (and death). They’ve developed some pretty amazing powers that could have some simple yet practical uses for mankind. Are you ready to question your right to remain on the wobbly top rung of the evolutionary ladder? Ever wished there was a really simple yet incredibly spiteful way of teaching the speeding driver who just jumped a red light a lesson? I do and that’s why I want some of these powers… Continue reading

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3 Extreme Men That Disprove The ‘Reality Is A Simulation’ Theory

Reality: even the SAS now have to carry a pooper scooper!

Red pill or blue pill – Take the red pill and you’ll see the truth. Take the blue pill and you’ll be digitally remastered into a lobster.

Every so often, the egg heads in the scientific community attempts to gently massage a new idea into our puny brains. In most cases, they are two responses to their revelations: stunned silence or childish giggling.

So, what’s the latest theory from the men and women who spend their lives in lab coats? We’re all living in a simulation. Yeah, that’s right – the story of Neo and his plucky band of leather jumpsuit wearing follower’s was a warning and not just a way to drum up male interest in Monica Belucci’s assets.

With those heart warming thoughts in mind, let’s take a look at some of the give aways that disprove the theory that the crack in your living room wall is really a scientific glory hole being used by some kind of giant, freaky egg head peering into your world… Continue reading

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3 Scary Natural Events That Make Mt Vesuvius Look Like A Wet Fart

vesuvius naples

Naples: a beautiful city built in the shadow of the mountain that killed Pompeii in the blink of an eye.

Just under 2,000 years, mount Vesuvius had a little hissy fit. Ok, a little more than just a minor tantrum – just ask the 10,000 or so citizens of Pompeii who ended up as novelty vases for future generations of Italian tourists.

But we know this already. What we don’t know is what’s coming and how quickly it will obliterate all life on Earth. One moment, our faces will light up in awe, the next we’ll be screaming in agony as one these natural disasters turns the human race into just another drop out in the race of life… Continue reading

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3 Political Powerhouses Felled By The Curse Of Television

evil creature

Hi, I’m Mr Evil. I live in your television and like to screw politicians.

Television – it’s become almost a staple part of our lives. But what happens when TV goes rabid? What happens when all those normally tedious, vapid interviewers go on the attack? It’s carnage.

Over the years, powerful men and women from every hue of politics have gone head to head with the power of mass media. Some, those with a lucky charm or an almost sycophantic following that comes with a landslide win at the polls, have done well. Others have seen their political lives crumble as their world is ripped apart by badly timed gaffes. Continue reading

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5 End Of The World Predictions That Failed To Happen

sense of foreboding

It’s a scientific fact that displaying a sense of foreboding increases the chances of us meeting our doom.

Nature has a habit of playing funny games with us. When it comes to predicting the weather we do a pretty half arsed job. But we’re equally crap at predicting events that will shatter the Earth’s crust and send all humanity plunging into a searing inferno from which there’s no return.

With the benefit of hindsight, it’s probably a good thing that all those self-proclaimed oracles are a few pints short of a keg. Continue reading

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5 Ways Big Business Twisted The Real Meaning Of Valentines Day

dead valentines day flowers

We don’t want to burst your bubble, but…

Every year, in the middle of February, we get slapped in the face by an avalanche of adverts telling us to shop like it’s about to rationed. Never mind the fact that your bank account has only just been take off life support following the Christmas ‘fun’.

February 14th is a day of love. It’s a day where you can show you care. It’s also a day where huge sums of money are spent as you try to convince a certain person to have sex with you – because you’re worth it.

But as you’ve probably guessed most of the original meaning behind Valentine’s Day has been corrupted. Let’s look at how big business barged in on the party and made it all about them… Continue reading

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Why Photoshop Professionals Are The Next Growth Industry

photoshop nerds

Nerds: you’re going to make their future incredibly bright.

Photoshop is a therapists nightmare come true. With one, deft swipe of a mouse, all your insecurities, blemishes and fears will be gone. A computer mouse, that is… rubbing yourself intimately with a small rodent is just wrong (and probably violates any number of laws on the treatment of animals).

But why? How could the simple act of photoshopping have such a massive impact? It’s all about how we see ourselves and our place in society. Yes, times are changing but even the most popular ugly person probably wishes they could easily change some part of their body. Here are 4 simple reasons that will ensure that photoshop pro’s will become the next growth industry to earn some serious coin. Continue reading

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