What Evil Fracking Companies Can Learn From Disney

not fracking

Fracking – the art of extracting trapped gas.

Hydraulic fracturing is not some kind of gruesome torture inflicted on hapless victims by loan sharks with a water filled, plastic hammer. Neither does fracking appear high on an environmental lobbyist’s list of ‘cool things to do today’. Instead, it’s a fairly new method of extracting gas by using water to shatter subterranean rock in which the fuel is trapped.

But this new industry has a problem – in the eyes of eco warriors and environmentalists, it’s the new anti-Christ. Did I say ‘anti-Christ’? I meant, ‘modern technology that must be reviled and destroyed at whatever cost just in case it proves to be useful and makes me and my other tree hugging pals look really stupid’. That’s why the energy giants need a makeover. And who better to give the hydraulic fracturing industry a fairytale slant than Disney and their loveable creations such as…

Beauty and the Beast

shane mcgowan ugly man

Holy shit! There are limits a fairytale can stretch to.

The real story of Beauty and the Beast is probably a bit too gruesome for kids. Prey with its throat torn out and images of a leather clad Beast dry humping a picture of Symba, the Lion King – not a pretty sight.

In the eyes of enviro-warriors, that’s exactly what has been unleashed upon the world: a wild eyed, rabid beast that will consume all in its path. Shortly after gorging on the Earth’s resources, this monstrosity will crap out choking clouds of foul smelling gases that will throttle all life from the face of the planet.

Hope you enjoyed the story, kiddies – don’t wet the bed! Whoa! Back up a little – it’s not meant to end like this because the Beast had a redeeming quality in the form of the Beauty.

But What Could The Beauty Do For Hydraulic Fracturing?

beauty in lingerie

She will use her charm, wit and intellect to give the fracking industry a fresh, compassionate persona.

It’s all about the gentle, soothing female influence.

The hydraulic fracturing industry is dominated by men. It’s all old school tie, back slapping in smoke filled back rooms and a constant reminder of who you fagged for at public school. Once your arse is owned, it’s owned for good.

But it’s not just the leadership of these businesses that make them looking like a misogynists day trip to the seaside. The process of extracting gases from subterranean rock could only have come from the mind of a man. Thrusting a massive pole into the first hole you can find and then filling it with superheated ejaculate in order to produce money isn’t going to win you any friends with the women’s rights groups.

And this is where the Beauty could provide a lifeline. You see, she was all about love. She cared for all creatures’ great and small. Her life was one of toil and disappointment but still she was willing to overlook the blemishes, and 6 months of five o’clock shadow on the face of the Beast.

Fracking companies need to take a leaf out her book. They need to care. They need to look beyond the ‘arse ugly’ tree huggers and their pale complexions. The need to see the world through a new lens – one that isn’t simply filled with pound signs and images of naked executives dancing through once pristine fields with gay abandon.

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs

snow white lingerie

On the day Snow White arrived in their house, the dwarfs all change their name by deed poll to, ‘happy’.

Ah, Snow White – a tale of blind faith and true love that spawned the hatred and evil intentions of one haggard, twisted individual. No, it wasn’t hatched by some hobbling, car park attendant with a strangely familiar moustache.

In the real world, it’s pretty close to the truth. The sum of all evil is the head of the fracking company. The poor, innocent victim is the green and pleasant land we live in. Finally, the poison apple is the fat payoff received by landowners and politicians along with the promise that nothing bad will come of extracting gas deposits from underground rocks. Like earthquakes. Explosions. Oh, and the odd landslide or two.

Hey kids, if we didn’t have any little details to consider, the world would be a really boring place – right?

What Can Be Learnt From Snow White And Her Seven Dwarfs?

grumpy dwarf

“You mean 6 – I’m nobody’s bitch!”

She had seven little dwarves vertically challenged individuals to attend to her every need.

Big energy companies are known for their massive bank balances but have little else going for them. Ok, apart from the great pension scheme, the company car and the 6 weeks holiday every year. Oh, and a massive salary. Apart from those things, they’re just shit.

One thing they’re very good at paying advertising and PR companies to give the company image a little touching up. The desired end result? The CEO looks a little less like the offspring of a union between Hitler and Louis Farrakhan and something a little more friendly. Anything really. Even making them look like an angry Rottweiler is better than nothing.

Snow White had the benefit of 7 evangelists who will stop at nothing to protect her. When she left the forest to marry the prince, she ripped out their diminuitive hearts, ground the still beatin organs into the dirt with her heel and then spat into the gaping chasm of the dwarves broken chest, but they still loved her.

This is a key lesson. Frackers need evangelists. They need 7 men of varying personalities and dispositions who will not only fight tooth and nail to protect the company but are also willing to carry the message forward should the boss die. Admittedly, the end result of this level of devotion is multiple sessions in the deep comfortable leather chair of a psychologist and maybe some jail time ‘because the voices told you to rummage through your neighbours underwear draw’. But, hey, it’s ok because the voices in your head said it was fine to do it!

Little Red Riding Hood

adult little red riding hood

Because, that’s exactly what you were expecting to see, right?

The problem with most of Grimm’s fairytales is this – they weren’t really fairytales. They were moralistic stories wrapped in a sizzling coat of gore and terror.

Ok, so they were toned down a little to prevent kids from ending up as basket cases – but not by much. Take the original tale of the Bearskin – a storyline worthy of the title, “Mummy, I’ve wet myself and, so far, you’ve only read the title”. But, in this case, fracking companies aren’t the big, scary wolf. In this twisted view of reality, they suddenly became Red Riding Hood. Hold on to that image of male company board members wearing dresses and insisting on being called Susan (at weekends only)…

The big, bad wolf is the curse of the environmentalist. It lurks in the shadows of the leafy woods and uses cunning to entice little Red Riding fracker into its twisted den of pain, torture and, ultimately, a grisly end (that includes an end to cheap gas but who needs it) – soon you’ll be providing all your own energy with contraptions like this:

treadmill desk

“Let’s see if you’re still smiling after another 6 hours.”

How Can Red Riding Hood Help Hydraulic Fracturing?

american werewolf in london

You might be scary but you still smell of piss!

The wood cutter did for the wolf without thinking. He’s not quite in the league of the seven dwarves but he was still there for Red.

But rather than being a knight in shining armour, the fracturing industry needs to grow some fangs. Just like the big, bad wolf. You know, not just any old teeth but some bone crunching monsters that would scare the crap out even the toughest hunter.

There seems to be no end of individuals and organisations intent on preventing the fracking industry from growing in the UK. Tales of doom and omens of the country falling into a manmade pit the size of J Lo’s arse have been bouncing back and forth with monotonous regularity since the industry went through its painful birth back in the 1940’s.

Organisations that push an environmentally friendly angle to everything from running your car on cat crap to selling hemp socks are everywhere. Nothing wrong with that – if that’s the lifestyle you want to live. But fair trade, eco-socks are expensive. Likewise, sourcing all our energy needs from useless wind farms that break down when the wind is too strong is a guaranteed path to blackouts and a return to yearly baths! Well, until the solar panel industry actually comes up with an efficient method of collecting and storing solar power.

In order to combat the slow asphyxiation of this new source of energy, the power companies need to come out fighting. Now, enticing little Red Eco Warrior back to the den for a sound thrashing and 30 minutes at gas mark 8 might seem a bit Hannibal Lector but, if nothing else, there’ll far fewer new age travellers knocking at the door.

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