What The Banks Can Learn From Natural Selection

noel edmonds smiling

Surely this can’t be the best natural selection has to offer?

Contrary to popular belief, bloated bankers on the receiving end of massive bonuses don’t park their Ferraris in anus-shaped garages. Most of them drive Bentleys. Now that we’ve corrected that common misunderstanding you’re probably thinking, ‘What the hell has money got to do with any part of the body?’

It’s all about evolution. Correction: it’s all about the natural selection part of evolution. Without an anus most, if not all, life on Earth would have been ripped apart in an explosion of shit millennia ago. Regardless of what appendages you think bankers have hanging from their foreheads you can rest assured that the money markets can only look forward to choking on their own foul effluence. Unless they take some tips from natural selection, because…

Nature Demands Variety In Traits

men in womens clothes

Apparently, variety is the spice of life!

0.5% interest rates on your savings account? A minimum of 30k deposit on your next home? A bank manager whose only answer is, ‘no’? Any one of these three questions is enough to have most customers closing their account and running for the door as the bankers slowly massage their crotches and salivate at the thought of their next bonus for doing… nothing to help you and me.

But here’s the problem: pretty much all banks have nothing new to say. Like a sordid game of naked, massage oil soaked piggy back, banks have spent years hanging on the coat tails of their competitors – there’s nothing new on the market. Even when some cool new idea does finally start to make some headway, the so-called innovative money men resort to the only thing they’re good at: copy it or try to have it closed down (like the Bank on Daves truly awesome approach to helping people and business.

Why the banks refuse to attempt anything remotely helpful?

laughing bankers

“You want to borrow some money? But you can’t – it’s ours. Now excuse me whilst I laugh until I shit myself.”

There’s one word that’s guaranteed to send a collective shiver down the spines of the entire banking sector: RISK. It’s not risk in the way some, say a soldier, would understand it. True, some city traders and brokers involved in the disastrous LIBOR scandal might end up facing the bullet but it’s only a metaphor. Much more fun to see them tarred and feathered.

Risk means a potential loss of money. Fail to hit your target for the year and the after effects will see bonuses tumble so that you can only just afford that second home in the Cotswolds. Life’s a bitch.

Here’s the rub: to evolve and grow, all life on Earth needs variety in the traits that each species displays. Likewise, the days of one size fits all banking are in rapid decline. New money knows it. The growth of peer to peer lending is one amazing idea that could finally shake the banks through to their rotten cores. A new era of small, agile banks that focus on niche needs, like specialised loans for gimp suit manufacturers, (try getting one of those from your current bank) is dawning.

If the big money institutions fail to move with the times they’ll end up in a museum of mythical curiosities and extinct species sooner than they think.

Nature Demands Differential Reproduction

ugly banker kissing beautiful woman

“Baby, your bonus is HUGE – let’s make sweet, sweet love.”

It’s all about growth rate. Nature can’t support unlimited growth. Somewhere, normally at the arse end of the food chain, are the whipping boys and girls. But they’re not there for your kinky bondage games. Instead, they are the creatures that don’t really get to reach their full, reproductive potential. Sort of like your parents walking in on you and your latest amour right before the point of no return. Then, to top it off, they eat you alive!

Banks should, in theory, be in the same position as the vinegar stroke victim – only a few can dominate the market and lay claim to breeding rights. But this point was missed on many institutions who saw countless opportunities to breed and grow. Slowly but surely the bottom end of the food chain was swallowed up in a mass fucking orgy of acquisitions and buyouts. Not a crumb was left at the bottom of the food chain which meant banks became bloated, inbred victims of their own success.

Why do banks refuse to adhere to differential reproduction?

deliverance banjo player squeal like a piggy

Because they all want to squeal like a piggy.

The simple answer is that they’re just a bunch of inbred dicks who will do anything they can to get their hands on your money. That’s a bit harsh. Probably true but still harsh. The giants of the financial sector seem to think the rules don’t apply to them because, after risk, the next big fear in the City is CHANGE.

Change is painful. Changing working practises means looking back on the companies past, taking a deep breath and saying, ‘Yeah, we probably were dicks to even think that idea would work.’ Change means going back to the drawing board and actually giving people what they fucking want!

It’s time to wake up to some really basic facts Mr. Fatcat: most people don’t trust you anymore. Most people would rather put their money into smaller, more reputable organisations who’s idea of caring goes further than urinating on their faces when they ask for a loan. Sadly, for the bigger players in this industry, the fail to ‘get’ the seismic shift that’s slowly edging the old institutions towards the point of extinction. Smaller, more agile money lenders are now coming up with offerings that are both fair and attractive to savers and borrowers.

You can try to regulate all you want but in a truly cooperative world the old order will find out what it’s like to be knocked off the top of the chain by apparently insignificant competitors.

Nature Relies On Heredity

gaddafi ugly

This is heredity at its worst.

‘Hey, I’ve got a really cool idea. Why don’t we build banking services that people want? We could sew the seeds of innovation and see happy customers bringing us huge returns as our new service ideas spread like wildfire.” If you’re working in the banking sector you probably scanned those two lines, ignored every word apart from ‘huge returns’ and then came in your pants! In order to make even more money you need to build services that people want aka innovate.

Here’s the problem: to create something new you needs ideas. You need to innovate in a way that would make submarine building, Colombian drugs cartels green with envy. But this level of creativity will require companies to go out on a limb – to break the status quo and accept that there really is a need for change. Sure, cardless cash was a great idea – if you’re a conman/crazed psycho threatening to drown an old ladies cat unless she pays up a couple of grand. But the minor flaws (read: massively obvious flaws that anyone but the fuckwit banker that came up with the idea could spot) have made this cash withdrawal system the new Mecca for conmen.

Why won’t banks take a leaf out of the heredity books?

giant arse

Because they’re giant arses.

Because, like differential reproduction, they need to change. Remember that word – it’s one that’s guaranteed to make pretty much every banker turn his pants brown and start spewing foul bile, aka ‘management speak’, such as risk, control and mitigation. In order for heredity to thrive we need innovation. We need to sew the seeds of ideas and then let them spread. Sewing the seeds of a new direction or range of products probably seems dangerous. Why bother when you can carry on your merry way, being rewarded with big pay days for doing the same old thing?

Ultimately, all animals currently alive on planet Earth have inherited the traits and strengths needed to distinguish them from life’s losers. Sure, you can quote the extinction of creatures such as the Dodo as a gaping hole in my argument and I agree… to a point. If mother nature had made the Dodo bullet proof we wouldn’t be having this discussion.

Likewise, bankers have proved they are far from fallible or bullet proof.

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