There’s an awful lot of scaremongering being thrown into the debate on joining the European Union. Our courts will be overrun with Greek communists intent on destroying our way of life. Our bank doors will be blown off their hinges as the EU taxman launches dawn raids designed to empty the contents of our accounts into the central bank coffers. All MP’s will be shot at dawn for treasonous acts against the ‘Glorious Sun Shiny Union of Germany and It’s Orbital States’. Actually, that’s not a bad idea…
But our economy and politicians won’t be the only thing to feel the pointy end of a Euro bayonet. Once the eurocrats have finished dismantling out democracy and 1,000 years of civil justice, they’ll take aim at the very heart of the UK’s culture: the penis joke. “Surely not?” I hear you say. Yes, tittering at jolly japes about your one-eyed friend will be outlawed because…
All Penises Will Be Equal
That’s right; the days of long, fat, short and/or smelly penises will be over. Think your mates bent penis is hilarious (I know you saw it in the shower after a session in the gym – how else would you see it erect)? Well, like bananagate, nothing but a straight schlong will make it past the eurocrats and their tape measures.
Likewise, all willies will adhere to strict length criteria. So long that it causes pain and you’re outta here. So short that it wouldn’t even tease a mouse and you’re outta here. Too fat and your trouser snake will be forced onto a diet. Too skinny and he’ll be marched off for an intensive weight gain course.
Welcome to the conformity revolution my little friend.
Sexual Equality Demands Vagina Jokes
The sexual equality laws will finally lay to rest any doubt about the direction of the EU. A series of new laws will ensure that vaginal mirth and mickey taking will be placed on an equal footing as that of the penis joke. The move to put trivial parts of your life, such as insurance, on level peggings were only the start. Soon, the lady box will overtake your ‘little friend’ as the number one target for raucous laughter.
Jokes that suggest even a minor dusting of the homoeroticism will be buried. Jokes such as the one about the Devil and the lollipop maker. Why? Because teasing a vagina in the same way simply doesn’t work unless you turn Satan into a lady but that’s not funny, is it? Besides, there’s equality and then there’s too much equality. You know, the point where we become truly equal.
What would Emmeline Pankhurst have to say about all this?
Sense Of Humour
It’s a well known fact that the UK’s sense of humour doesn’t always translate very well. Example: “My hound has no olfactory organs.” “Really? How does it smell?” “Mildly offensive.” See? It simply doesn’t have the right ring to it. Now imagine all of our adolescent jokes ruined by some thing as simple as a minor translation error.
“But this could this really happen?” Of course because our jokes will be forced to conform to a standard unit of measure. Wether this measure is dictated by the French, Germans or Italians makes little difference – the end result will be a bloody, mangled mess of a penis joke. And nobody wants to see their knob left in that state, do they?
Borders and Boundaries Mean Nothing
Another well known fact is that the EU wants to break down member states into a single entity. The free flow of trade, ideas and cultural identity is key to a successful European state. But what will this mean for willy-related humour?
Once the national borders of member states are dissolved, we’ll see an influx of sub-standard penis jokes. Where the UK’s genitalia orientated comedy industry once stood head and shoulders above the rest of the world, it will soon become a massive melting pot that a plastic surgeon would be proud of.
It brings a whole new meaning to pourous borders.
Translation Costs Are The Final Nail
The EU is awash with grants for every barmy scheme under the sun at a time when the financial system is a mess. Even the unions own auditors refused to sign off the budget… for five years in a row. Greece and Italy teeter on a precipice that screams, ‘economic collapse’. But what if there came a point where funding isn’t available for translation costs? How will other europeans join in the mirth?
If the money isn’t available, it will be a catastrophe. Context and meaning will be lost – our knob jokes will fail to raise a chuckle amongst newer members of the union – how well does ‘skinning the lizard’ translate into Latvian? Who will bear the cost of translating our cultural legacy into at least 15 recognisable European languages? Could there come a point when knob humour will become endangered because EU maintenance grants aren’t available? Oh, the irony!
It looks like bureaucracy may finally kill jokes that have been proudly passed from father to son.