Why Poor People Are A Politicians Best Friend

George Osborne

“See this? It’s made from the skin of 20 poor people.”

Hands up if you know anyone that earns £100 a week or less? Friends, who for no fault of their own are trapped in crappy jobs with few prospects. In fact, how many couples do you know that earn £268 a week or less? This is what poverty officially looks like.

Politicians seem to spend most of their lives suckling happily at the overflowing teat of misery! Every time the subject of how to give hope to the poor is raised we’re subjected to a barrage of mind boggling facts and figures that current crazies in no.10 have the best ideas. Think of it as shit storm full of vacuous statements and promises – every time a member of the political elite tries to talk about extreme poverty they seem to regurgitate a fur ball of crap. I can only assume this comes from too much time spent kissing a colleagues bum! But, cynical comments aside, have you ever wondered why poverty is a subject that gets MP’s horny? Here goes…

Everyone On The Breadline Is A Victim

katie price

Katie’s pathological need for attention does not make her a victim.

For a politico, this is the Cullinan of the crown jewels.

Victims are like a spear through the heart of democracy because they don’t have a choice. It’s undemocratic. Victimhood isn’t a delicious cake where everyone who’s ever suffered a disaster gets to nibble on a slice of pay back.

Talking up the plight of victims is a chance for MP’s to show they fully understand society. From a lowly back bencher right up to the Prime Minister: it’s a hot topic.

You see, finding yourself and your family in a position of being barely able to eat is absolute gold dust for any politician with aspirations of becoming a party heavyweight without having to gorge themselves on lard! Victims are the most prized weapon in an armoury of arguments and accusations. The man, or woman, who manages to solve this ridiculous state of affairs will become a prime candidate for beatification.

Fixing the problems that go hand in hand with poverty will echo through the corridors of power of generations. However, talking up the go-getters of society will only have voters salivating for a short time. Whitehall mandarins need a little re-education to understand this.

soviet gulag

Sadly, MP’s don’t undergo re-education here…

Talking about victims also gives politicians a get out of jail free card. Think of all the times a party member has had sex with a prostitute (obviously, a high class hooker rather than a ‘£5 a shot’ lady of the night) and needs to redeem themselves – cue a lecture about being victims…

Poverty And Crime Are Star Crossed Lovers

wedding rings

A union made in hell.

When you see someone who appears to be absolutely flat broke, what do you think?

Be honest. Does a tidal wave of pity wash over you? Do you feel an urge to help them in any way you can? Or do you think, “I hope that dirty person doesn’t mug me”? You’re not alone and pretty much all the members of Parliament know this.

Talk of how we solve the problem of crime always starts with educating the poor without resorting to buggering them until their eyeballs bleed. They just bugger the rest of us with tax rises.

Statistics about who commits most crime are pretty hazy, but figures from the US show that more affluent ‘members’ of society are most likely to shoplift. Perversely, the poor worry more about being the victims of robbery and knife crime. Most people don’t want to be in this position and have tried hard to lift themselves out of the cesspool of violence and hate that is the world of crime. Sadly, many fail to claw their way out or, if they do, end up being sucked back in.

Crime is a hot topic that will earn a politician brownie points for even daring to suggest that it can be fixed. But can a legitimate fix be found without releasing a form of myxomatosis for humans or making the slums the new shooting gallery for senile members of the upper class? Probably not.

upper classes huting

“Look, Tarquin – a bloody poor person. Tally ho!”

There is no quick fix and most of the ruling class know this. We have super glue that can be used to stick the victims of knife crime back together, but we don’t have anything like the gigantic meat cleaver needed to sever some of the less likeable elements of society from their nasty habits.

Caring About The Poor Shows They Have A Heart

heart of stone

Even if it is made of stone.

What do you really care about? Missing the next episode of Dr Who or making the world a better place?

Contrary to popular belief, politicians don’t have a cold, black heart that only quicken its beat at the thought of condemning opponents to a lifetime of hard labour. They’re actually red, just like yours and mine. Some of them really do care – but only about being caught fiddling their expenses.

But does saying that they want to do something suggest they want to fix the issue or simply pack those in need into a viking longboat before setting fire to it?

Put it another way; the drugs barons of South America care about the poor but only because of the low wages they accept for harvesting huge quantities of mind bending drugs. The Roman Catholic church cares about the use of condoms but only in as much as using them is apparently against the will of God (never mind the fact that the world is overpopulated and nearing a disaster of Biblical proportions. I guess that’s ok with the Vatican?).


Under Pope Sixtus IV, the Vatican sponsored brothels in return for licensing fees and a massive outbreak of syphillis.

Every now and then we hear a series of hollow sound bites exiting the mouth of the current Secretary of State for Works and Pensions but they never seem to make much progress. Can you honestly see any politician wanting to hobnob with the destitute?

Solving Poverty Is Sexy

edwina currie

I guess only John Major can answer this one.

SEX! Do I have your attention? Of course I do (unless you’re an amoeba with no interest in stockings or humping in which case, “You’re doomed!”)

Politicians have a long and inglorious track record of fucking things – from fellow MP’s to the economy – the list is long and should act a warning that the voters never heed. The elected representative might be a nice guy but HE WAS CAUGHT WITH HIS FUCKING HANDS IN THE TILL. You have been warned.

Apart from Edwina Curry, second homes and having us pay for their fixtures and fittings, what turns them on?

Politicians love to think they can fix problems. Solving the plight of the poor is enough to give a politician a force 10 orgasm. It’s the equivalent of a government minister saying, “My massive wang will fix the world’s problems and induce orgasms through it’s proximity to others”. Now that’s pure political viagra!


Viagra: helping the ruling classes shaft the poor since 1991.

Finally, it gives them something for the memoirs: “How I boned poverty and not one of my Parliamentary colleagues/fellow MP’s”!

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